I've been thinking about it and I wish I had some sort of super power. This health stuff is alot of work and it becomes what you eat live and breathe! Reality is I dont have a super power and I dont think my wish will be granted so its up to me to keep on developing my own set of powers and keep the fight strong.
Im relieved that we are now in March. The month of February for me is treacherous. February 2009 I found out the melanoma was in my lymph node and February 2010 I found out it metastasized. Given the fun that comes after crappy news like this, the months of March were typically the decision making month (what non-promising treatment option should I partake in?) and the month of April and May was when I was actually experiencing the treatments. So needless to say this time of year shakes me up a bit. I have to say though this year is different. I no longer have that fear of my own mortality. I'm at a place where I am focusing on all the positive and what I have to be grateful for rather than all the what ifs and the holy shits that come along with cancer. I don't know why I am at this place but I'm not going to question it so much and I am just going to enjoy it and hope it lasts. For one thing having more positive news from my trip in Switzerland (the lymph node decreased considerably and my blood and other cancer markers are not typical of cancer patients) helped me a lot. They also showed, through blood work, that my diet is good which means that all my hard work is paying off.
I also feel better than I ever have in my life. I feel that my reset button was pressed as I am more enlightened and happier than ever. With the diet and all the vitamins they are pumping in me on a weekly basis I feel great. I don't know..... things change alot when you are going through the motions of cancer. Your outlook on life changes, priorities change. Life becomes about being happy and not focusing on the petty crap. I had to get used to putting myself first, something I never did. I would always do for others before myself but I learned that in order to survive I have to keep up with my very strict and time consuming health regimen.
This whole journey also changes relationships, some strengthen and some weaken. This is hard because those relationships that weaken you feel such a loss and so much pain and guilt comes along with it. I cant possibly stay in touch and be as close as I was with everybody due to the fact that the health regimen is so time consuming and intense. Then some people just are too negative and you realize they are too toxic to be around and it is better to keep them at a distance. Unfortunately for me, maybe not the cancer per say, but the lifestyle that comes with it, is now my life. It has to be in order to survive. When you are being your own doctor and treating yourself with quality vitamins and food and maintaining your stress levels to survive, you need to stay focused and control so many aspects. Since I picked the all natural biological route its different from conventional. You are not relying on the doctor or the clinical trial or the chemo ....you are relying on you and what you are putting into your body. When I took on this approach I knew that the responsibility was going to be on me and that ultimately it was up to me if I was going to make the cancer go away or if I was going to let it take over.
I do my best with keeping up with my regimen and not eating things I'm not supposed to but I have my moments of weakness where I slip. I do my best with keeping in touch and spending time with all those people that mean alot to me but honestly I just don't have enough time to pull it all off. I do my best to have my head at work when I'm with the boys I work with but I cant help for my mind to wander about all the other crap I have to do when I leave work. I do my best with telling my main support team how much I appreciate all they do for me and how much I love them but do I really get it across? But the truth is as much as I try and use all my skills to the best of my abilty, I'm not perfect....I'm not Wonder Woman! But I am one strong cookie who will use all my "super powers" to continue changing the terrain and reparing each cell one by one!!! Only problem is the place where I started will no longer be a place I visit again. Somethings changed for the better others things changed that I will miss but it is what it is.
LoVe, PeAcE, and StRenGtH,