Sunday, May 22, 2011

Where is that balance?

Wow, exactly a month from my last post. It amazing how time flies by. I have been wanting to write but quite honestly I just couldn't. You know when your in one of those "I just don't feel like doing anything" moods? Well that's where I was. I've been overwhelmed with life in general and all the steep climbs up all these damn hills. Where are the valleys? I would love if I was led to those valleys and I could have a lull in all this craziness for once.

Basically, I've been doing a lot of thinking and my last couple of years have been lost, lost in this journey of fighting stage IV melanoma holistically. I have NO regrets and am happy that I chose the holistic route but damn is it ALOT of work. The constant need to keep up with the regimen, the research, the dr appointments, the research, the health consults, the research, resting, the shopping and food preparation, and trying to keep the stress level down. However, I became to resent it a bit because it took away from the normalcy that I used to have. Thats pleasure of just going about a day without thinking about survival and not being deprived at social events, and just living. My life became about the cancer and curing myself. Yes, it needed to be in order for me to jump start these cells into transforming and to ensure my life but now its time to find the balance.

A balance of maintaining the holistic lifestyle and keeping up with all I have to do for my health but still enjoying life and not allowing cancer to consume my every thought. I mean, honestly I did do things and hang out with family and friends. Its not like it was always about the cancer externally or in the view of others but internally it was constant. Most of my thought were consumed by it. I would get a thought and I would have to immediately research it. I guess it could be seen as a good thing but all the energy put toward surviving takes away from living. If i wasn't at the doctor or work, i was researching or blogging (caringbridge) and the extra time I did have was for resting and doing the other stuff in my life that needed to get done. In trying to find that balance, I began slipping. Eating things I shouldn't and becoming resentful of losing the last two/three years of my life to this battle. Hence the reason, I have not been blogging as much. I have been trying to focus on this transition period in my life and figuring out whats next and where I am headed. I don't know it was almost like a safety net remaining so enmeshed in it all. It was constant reassurance of the path being the right one and the support was encouraging and motivating. But people's lifes go on and the shock factor of me having cancer subsides and its presence little by little dissipates. For me though it was still very much there and I realized that its time to move on. Move on and live my life without always focusing on the cancer. This is quite a challenge but it needs to be done. Given that I know Im on the right track and Im at peace with the fact that I know I will be fine it could totally be done.

I have been figuring out how I could continue giving this holistic route my all yet enjoying life without giving it up to this very involved health regimen. With working full time thrown into the mix it has been tricky to balance it all. Luckily most of it has became second nature. My diet is pretty much habit now (except when I slip and its that much harder to get back on track). So is taking all my medication, herbs, shots, and medicinal drinks. The daily enemas and the weekly vitamin infusions are habitual too. I need to be better with my daily epson salt baths (to draw out all the heavy metals) and with a daily exercise regimen. I also need to clear this head of mine and meditate and try and find that internal peace. Most importantly, I have to treasure all those amazing relationships in my life and spend time with those people that mean the world to me.

Anyways, medically I am doing okay. I could be better. I have been having sharp pains and not such great symptoms. Who knows the reasoning for this pain. Could it be from the overwhelming stress? From the half marathon that I ran recently? could it be a sign that my body is working overtime to kill off my remaining tumors (spleen / liver)?

Fortunately I leave on June 3rd to go back to Switzerland to the Paracelsus Klinik. For those of you who have not read those posts, it is a klinik that offers biologically treatment and treats the body as a whole and not the disease/cancer. Last time I had great results from there and I'm eager to see how this body of mine is doing this time around. I look forward to all the goodness that will be given to my system when Im there.

Peace, love, & smiles,