Thursday, February 23, 2012

Dear are a pain in my ass.....Love Lisa

Three years ago this time a year my world turned upside down. Early February 2009 was when I found out I had stage II melanoma, almost exact to the date in February 2010 is when the cancer came back to play and went to stage IV and February 2011 was hell emotionally. So here I am in 2012, with the month of February still being torturous. However its different this year, bittersweet torture....if that makes sense. I have been using "black" since December 22nd and little by little pieces of tumor have been expelled from my body. In the beginning the pain was tolerable as the "black" was dealing with the surface cancer. I didnt even require any pain medication, not even over the counter. Then about a month ago I applied "black" as I normally do and holy sh*t!!!!! My poor mother...I was literally jumping on the couch, pulling my hair out and screaming like a psychiatric patient. Thats when I knew I, or I guess I should say "black" was at a whole new level. Literally, the black was way beyond the first couple of layers of my skin and burning into tissue that was much deeper. The tumor was fairly large, and part of it was surface and parts of it were under healthy skin closer to my lymph nodes. So the burning through healthy skin was what brought on the INTENSE pain. I have a high tolerance for pain but this was unbearable and with several pep talks from my parents and mike I decided not to throw in the towel and keep up my crazy ass decision to stick with "black." However if I was going to continue I had to deal with all my negative beliefs about pain killers and how they ruin your body and suck it up and take them. So I changed my mindset and embraced the mood-swing, messes with your digestion, high as a kite feeling, and horrible nausea pharmaceutical drug percocet. My priority right now is getting this god damn dead tumor out of my body and if thats what Im going to do I have to take something to ease the pain.

Not like the pain was bad enough, I decided, with the advice from my doc from Australia (specializes in "Black"), due to the tumor being "stuck" to place more black on the open and raw skin that black was just put on the previous day. Aahhhh!! That was no joke....there was a point that two percocets did not ease the pain. Lots of self talk and visualization of this bastard coming out once and for all got me through it. So at this point, there is a lot going on under my arm. The perimeter of the tumor has severed from the healthy skin and seems as though it is ready to be expelled from by body. Which is awesome however scary at the same time. Like I said earlier, it is very large so the wound is going to be large...basically a gaping hole in my armpit. Pretty dangerous and I guess painful so I will require wound care that I dont have set up yet. I have a dr appointment soon to hopefully set that up. These dr's are funny though, they dont want to offer you care if you are doing insane crazy things such as putting black salve on very large tumors.

I think black is an incredible way to go, however I think it is more appropriate for people that have much smaller and manageable skin cancers or tumors. Because as I said earlier, the beginning was fine when the black was targeting the cancer that was close to the skins surface. I have no regrets as I believe everything happens for a reason but on the same hand I would not feel comfortable encouraging another person to use black on such a large tumor. As far as a small skin cancer, such as a mole or something, I would in a heartbeat.

Im still curious as to whats going to happen. Will it require more black? Will it ALL come out? How is the open wound going to heal? How bad will the scar be? How is this tumor actually going to fall out? Will it be a clean cut or something I will have to manipulate? I have been documenting the black experience but considering how gruesome it is, I am not posting them on my blog as of yet. I think it is worthwhile posting eventually as its fascinating, however I will do this all at once in one blog and will warn people in the title..."Warning .....gruesome photos"

Other than black, I have a lot going usual. I continue to work full time, go for my weekly vitamin drips, living a healthy life,  doing my daily health regimen, and Im going to school to be a certified health coach. I LOVE it!!! Not only will I get to help others reach optimum health but I learn others way I could help myself. I have been practicing health histories, so if anyone is interested in being one of my guinea pigs let me know!!! I would love any help I could get.

Oh my god!!!! Mid editing my post I took a dinner break and ran out with mike and I come home to find one of the large three tumor eschars hanging off!! It came right off!!!! A HUGE chunk of my cancer is gone!!! I can't even f*ck'n believe it... Black actually worked! Im on Cloud nine right now :) going to call my Australian doc now and talk it through!!!

thanks for all those positive vibes and prayers!!